Chapter 3: Navigating the Labyrinth

I'm in Phoenix, and it's my first official date weekend with Will.  I'm enjoying his company, I'm loving my first tourist trip to Phoenix, and I am nervous as hell; something with wings is doing a vigorous tap dance in my stomach.  He drives us over to the Camelback Inn, a beautiful golf resort with an incredible view of the sunset over Camelback Mountain, and parks the car in the porte-cochère near the lobby.   He asks me to stay in the car for a minute, and he returns quickly with a room key. 

In the meantime, I am frantically trying to figure out how I could get out of there.  My fight-or-flight response is urging me to flee! flee! flee! before any permanent damage could be done to my heart.  I wasn't letting anyone in; no way, no how.  This was dangerously close to being more responsibility for feelings than I wanted.  And then he surprises me. 

This suite is yours for the night, he says.  He carries my luggage into the room, points out all the features (mini bar, balcony with a view, huge bathtub), takes my hand, and leads me to the door.  Kissing me good night, he pulls away and says he would call me in the morning.  I am momentarily stunned.  No strings?  No expectations?  No pressure?   I run a bubble bath, jump into bed, and sleep like a rock.

Where am I? I think when I wake up, processing slowly.  Huge room.  Sunlight streaming in.  White pillows on all sides.  Ah, yes, I'm in Phoenix.  I lie in bed and wait for the winged dervish to start tap-dancing on my nerves again, but he is still.   Room service soon arrives with a colorful spread of tropical fruits and pastries and I savor my alone time; my space, to renew and regroup.  I call my friend Becky when the butterflies make their entrance, and she reassures me.  “Kristin, it’s normal for you to feel scared… this is your first trip with a guy.  Give him a chance.”  That makes sense to me, and I calm down.  Girl talk Valium.

It is 11 AM before he arrives to pick me up for our drive to Sedona for the rest of the weekend, and I am ready by then, excited about this new adventure with this man.  I recognize that he has given me the gift of understanding, and I give him trust in return.   

Sedona is as mystical as I imagined, and he concedes to my every whim.  Stop here!  Take a picture!  Can we climb that rock?  I need an ice cream cone.  Please give me a minute to browse through this turquoise jewelry store.  I must buy some souvenirs for my nieces.  The rest of the weekend is magical, it is incredible, it is easy and fun.  It is the dance of two people navigating the next move.  We share stories and caramel apples; we smile and flirt and talk about our lives.  He laughs and raises an eyebrow when I suggest we walk the ancient labyrinth the way it's supposed to be done - slowly, silently, and with reflection, listening to the spirits.  He watches me from a nearby bench and as I reach the center, I lift my head to look at him. I imagine I can see past his sunglasses in his eyes, and I know him.

On the way back to Phoenix, “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down starts playing on the radio, and tears spring to my eyes unbidden and unwelcome.  I can’t sweep them away and I'm sure he sees them.  I feel terrible for being such a basket case; this is all too soon.  He says nothing, but reaches for my hand and holds it for a long time.

A few times he has made reference to the future, “the rest of your life” etc.  I think in some cases he’s saying that for effect, but he has also said he’s crazy about me, and I know it’s true. It feels good and scary and unnerving and ridiculous and amazing, all at the same time.  It is what I always wanted.

I feel a growing excitement about what comes next in my life, but I am still very afraid.  I hope with a good portion of my heart that my soon-to-be-ex never comes back to me and says he's changed his mind, like my girlfriends swear he will.  I don’t know that I’m strong enough to turn him away.  I loved him for ten years and he can still make me cry.  That’s how I know I’m not ready to love anyone else yet.  I have to get through the finalization of the divorce and get over that before I can move forward.  Everyone will have to wait.  That’s all I can do.  

Yet, when I return home, I can’t get Will off my mind.  He’s so sweet, so thoughtful, so crazy about me… I actually miss him and I don’t want to.

Next chapter: breaking through the walls.  Making a decision, and moving forward.


Read the whole story, chapter by chapter, right here.