When you don't know what to say... say "I'm here"

It's in our toughest times that our true friends come through.  It's also during those times that people come into our lives and stand by us when we never expected it to be those particular people.  I can remember well when I was going through the beginning of my divorce and I would curl up into a ball many nights, crying and grieving the end of my marriage.  Wishing I could fast forward to the recovery part.  My friend Terri called me every day for weeks.  Every.  Single.  Day.  If I didn't answer the phone, she would leave messages: "Hey, girl, I'm just calling to check on you."  If I did, she'd ask me how I was doing.  She'd ask me what I was doing.  She was there to listen if I wanted to talk.

At the same time, another friend called me and would not let me stay in bed.  She was of the tough love variety, and she would say, "Get your butt up.  Get in the shower and get dressed, and you'd better be ready to go in 30 minutes."  She made me live again  She made me dance, and socialize, and get over it.   She loved me enough to not let me be alone, when I didn't really want to be alone.

A friend told me recently after a major health scare, "This experience has really culled the wheat from the chaff in terms of my friendships."  In other words, she could easily see who is a good friend and who is merely an acquaintance.  And who will stand by her and who will disappear.

Have you ever had a friend go through the loss of a loved one, a divorce, or a traumatic time?  There is no question that it's a difficult call to make after you hear the news.  Most people don't know what to say.  There's no right answer, and I have questioned many times whether I've done enough... said enough... cared enough for a friend in need.   When my friend's dad died last year, I asked myself: did I comfort her enough?  Did I say the right things to make her feel that she could talk about it if she wanted to, but that I was there for the future if she didn't?   I don't know.  I always feel as though I should have done more.

When my grandmother passed away in 2000, I received some beautiful email messages and cards from friends from all over.  The heartfelt words were a balm to my broken heart and I still have many of them.  I'm no expert on friendship; all I can tell you is what has made an impression on me and what I have learned over time.  I hope that I can become a better and better friend as I grow older and wiser.

Comforting a friend seems challenging when you're far away, but with phone calls, text messages, and snail mail, you can show you're thinking about him or her. It may be scary, it may be uncomfortable, and it may be awkward, and this is often where people turn away because they're afraid to say the wrong thing.

You don't have to come up with something profound to say; just try this:  
I'm here.  I'm sorry.  I love you.

If you have ever lost a loved one or gone through a tough time in your life, I'd love to hear the stories of the ways your friends showed you how much they cared.  Learning how to comfort a grieving friend is something worth improving upon.